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I had the most profound healing experience yesterday. Usually in this life we don’t get to revisit decisions or turning points or to re-negotiate our soul contracts. No matter how often I hear people tell me that they have changed their minds or have told their guides and God that they want to change their path – the truth of this is that an actual re-decision point is exceptionally rare.Which is why I feel the need to share my experiences of yesterday.
I am a very private person – although I am the “public channel,” my own soul journey is seldom spoken of – if there are applicable experiences that help client(s) understand the situation they are in then sometimes I speak up – but generally, my rule of thumb is that their guides and the Council of Love will let them know what they need to know and point the direction that is the highest and best for their journey. I don’t generally feel that sharing my spiritual experiences adds all that much to the mix, and I never want to be seen, as St. Germaine says “flexing my psychic muscles.” Ego – that delightful part of the package we created for this journey, has very little place in the public forum.
The flip side of this, of course is that you – my circle of spiritual lightholders and vision-questers who have been my mainstay for close to 30 years now don’t always really know what’s going on with me. You are loved, valued and cherished in my heart far more than many of you know. You are the encouragement to keeping doing what I do, you are the bright spark that makes me say – OK I see a difference, we are breaking through. So here’s goes…
On Dec. 27, 1984, I have a near-death experience that changed my life. Coming home from a beautiful Christmas with my family and the love of my life, my sweet new nephew, my friend Michael and I hit black ice on a poorly constructed new highway ramp and became airborne. In those frozen moments when our car bounced up one side of the hill and danced ass-over-tea-kettle-down, I left my body and found myself well above the car looking down with my beloved guide Nathaniel. I felt no pain, just the warm connection with that incredible angel that I had always know but not realized his presence until that moment. As we watched Nathaniel told me that it was time to make a decision to stay or return home with him – to die. Despite what it sounds like this was not a drama-filled moment; it was calm, peaceful and simply a choice point. However, as he and I watched the accident unfold below I did feel a tremendous sadness – a deep heart-filled ache that I have never forgotten. Being still connected to my human and logical self I queried why the sadness – quickly I went through the litany – was it because I wasn’t married – no; hadn’t had kids – no; career – no; leaving family – no and more nos… What emerged in this rapid review with Nathaniel is that I hadn’t done what I came to Earth to do – I hadn’t completed the mission I had intended to fulfill when I made that decision to come.
The hitch was that although I instantly had this information I didn’t have the foggiest notion of what that “mission” was. Just that at the time of inception I had made an incredible promise, one that I felt and believed would be worth the journey, and here at 33 I hadn’t done it. Hard news to a driven little career woman and community acitivst. Nathaniel’s gentle nudging let me know that I didn’t have all day – or in this case night – to make a choice. He glanced at me with such love, such compassionate knowing, but with a firmness that told me – make up your mind. Talk about making a decision without complete information. But my heart decision was to return – yes – to return to do what I had promised even though I had no idea what that promise was or entailed. A milli-second later I slammed back into my body, into the accordioned car as we miraculously landed on all 4 wheels.
The journey of that decision is a whole story which I intend to share with you now – but first back to yesterday.
I am really careful and very fussy about who I let work on me – energetically or massage. Because of the extensive injuries I have received through car accidents and illness I am exceptionally cautious because I have often been hurt and made worse by the best of intentions. Also, over the years, I have come to understand the importance of an energetic match in allowing someone into my sacred space and energy field. So when my sweet friend Julie offered me a gift of a session with a new healer she had discovered, I was surprised to find myself not only saying yes but chomping at the bit. Within a couple of days I had my coveted appointment with this “massage therapist” who could help let your body go. I was thinking that I have been through a rough patch health-wise and could really use some TLC – little did I know.
After a few standard formalities I found myself on the table and right back to my decision point with Nathaniel. No, I don’t mean re-experiencing it or body/cellular/locked memories. I was given the gift of traveling back to that icy cold night standing in the sky above St. Catharine’s Ontario and hanging out with my guardian angel and watching the little drama of BMW dinky toy unfold. When I first made that decision to stay – to return I didn’t know what I was signing up for – I didn’t know how hard the journey would be – yes spotted with some minor victories and certainly some moments of joy – but by and large I was very naïve in what I was signing up for. Of course, that’s probably half the point isn’t it? But here I was, back at that point, standing with my beloved Nathaniel and being given the opportunity once again to make a choice – stay or go.
I wandered far away – not into the proverbial white light but into the infinite star-studded darkness of the universe. The deeper I went the more peaceful I became – my sense of connection with ALL just kept growing and bring me deeper and deeper joy – oh this was going to be easy – just keep going. There was no feeling of regret or worry this time – just a deep peace that I have longed for in this oh too human struggle called life. I could feel the breath of the angels, my beloved Archangel Gabrielle who has held and shielded me my entire life, I could feel the presence of Mary and her cloak waiting to wrap me and take me home. They did not appararate to me because it was my time – to wander, feel and choose. But the deep sense of presence was everywhere – more profound than ever – and that is coming from a channel who spends hours every day in the deepest most holy of connections. This was home – and to say it felt good is like calling chocolate candy. It felt warm, and complete and easy – way too easy.
But there was Nathaniel at my back – even as I drifted further and further away from him I could feel the energetic tie – his ever-presence once again calling for a decision. So I went back to talk to him for a while. You see this time everything was different. I knew what the next 30 years held – I knew the scenario of broken bones, broken body, broken homes, and broken dreams. I knew of the hard times with no money, public skepticism, and side-tracked career. I knew the feeling of being the voice crying in the wilderness – the frustration of being a channel for God and the higher realm and experiencing the frustration of human beings not hearing. Of having people listen to the most profound message of Love in the Universe but not really hearing them with their hearts, of not integrating the tools, the encouragement, the guidance into their course and life. And of course I knew that I also have fallen into that pattern – of not following guidance and missing incredible opportunities to jump forward and be the vehicle of light I am. I have had the experience of being the soft voice and not wanting to rattle the cage of Old Earth – only to be befuddled, stymied and disappointment in myself.
So I stand here with Nathaniel with that understanding in my heart and under my belt and I wonder and I weigh – is it worth it? Has the last 30 years made such a difference that the pain – emotional, physical, spiritual – is worth it? Are the spots of joy worth it? Of course now I am thinking of all the people – not the stuff – but the people I would not get to meet and be with – of my beloved husband and my dear dear friends who I didn’t even know back then – and of course even worse – the friends and family that I know now. But in that instant I also understand – hey, it’s 30 years – the will have gotten over their grief, they will have gotten on with their lives – and those who I haven’t encountered, well on a soul level we will always be connected. And honestly maybe I could just be a little more effective from the “higher side.”
We’ve seen so many in the last few years make that decision – and as I thought that there were all my friends who have made the transition – my mom and dad and brother – I could be with them – and that would probably ease any sense of loss or grief I have at leaving this Earthly realm. And there they are waiting for me – smiling and loving me – and I know going home with them would not only be an easy choice but one that would bring me peace, love and a sense of belonging. As I scratch at this decision I realize that I am really really tired of being that quiet voice in the wind – I am tired of being one of the best channels on the planet, of bringing in such monumental information and hope forward for the Council and people simply not getting it.
Wow – where did that frustration come from?
I didn’t even know it was there; let alone the extent of it. It doesn’t feel like ego because that’s down below getting crushed in the prize car – this is soul weariness – a weariness I see in many old souls ready to let go.
So I ask Nathaniel “what would you do? You know what the next 30 years looks like – what would you do?” He smiles, with that look that penetrates directly into my soul, and says” I can’t tell you Linda – I can’t tell you what to do – I am on this side – my perspective is completely different – but more importantly this is your decision. This is your choice”. At least this time there doesn’t seem to be a bum’s rush to make a choice so I decided to ponder and weigh a little more. Vaguely I am aware that my magical healer is also aware that I am “gone” but it seems all right with her so I just keep going. She’s holding the string for me but I can feel it is very thin and transparent now.
My whole life I have been the collaborator – born the middle child – I am the peace-maker and the one who likes and needs to hear and feel all the sides of the argument or thought – to feel my way through to what feels like the right decision. Now please don’t interpret that as being unselfish – quite the contrary – it’s just my process. I have had the lives as saint and sinner and this is not one of them. This is my life as a woman, experiencing the highs and lows and that area we call the quagmire in between. So true to form, I decide to consult a little further.
My first inclination is to go to Archangel Gabrielle – my Lily of Love who has always been there for me through thick and thin – the archangel who started all this business of channeling and alternate realities. But I know what she would say to me – she would re-iterate Nathaniel – “child, it is your decision – now what do you want to do?” Of course, as I think this again, the visions appear of what I wouldn’t have to do if I choose to go – I wouldn’t have to struggle with this body that has so often been a source of grief and pain. More importantly though I wouldn’t have to suffer through my sister’s struggle with acute myeloid leukemia; I wouldn’t have to suffer through losing my mom; losing my dad; losing my best friends; losing my former husband because he choose a bottle of vodka over our marriage; I wouldn’t have to see my brother unconscious and in unbearable pain after his plane crash; I wouldn’t have to face not having enough money at times to cover the bills; I wouldn’t have to stand up and be counted. But of course I also wouldn’t get to see Suzanne beat the cancer; Joe walk again; have a beautiful home and family; I wouldn’t get to know the quiet of morning outside my beautiful home with my sweet sweet companions and animals. I wouldn’t get to see the beauty of Gaia – to see the eagle head down the river, to feel the pounding of the hoofs of the buffalo, to smell the bear in Yellowstone. I wouldn’t get to paddle up the creek and play Texas-hold’em with my family laughing until we cried with the fun and silliness of it. I wouldn’t get to experience the miracle of talking daily with God; of having unique vision and perspective; I wouldn’t get to know and love each of you. But then again would it matter? I would have bliss and be in that infinite sea of Love – that sea that I talk and talk and talk about until sometimes I can’t even stand the sound of my own voice. I wouldn’t have to listen to someone’s heart break over the phone because they feel alone and abandoned and unloved. Of course, I also wouldn’t get to share in the joy when those illusions of lack of self-worth and love are broken through.
So I do what I always do when I’m in a pickle – I turn to Mother Mary. Now for so many reasons Mary is on my mind and in my heart front and center lately. I mean she has always been there but often shared the stage with Jesus, Yahweh, Buddha and so on – but lately it’s pretty much her show. So who better to ask whether to stay or go?
“Mother does it make any difference in the scheme of things if I continue on?” Mary makes her presence known immediately. I notice that she is coming in as the picture on this week’s Newsweek magazine –in her beautiful cloak of blue. I remember years ago – on Dec 12, 2003 the theme of our annual gathering was Miracles – and it was the beginning of Mother Mary really reaching out to us and teaching us how to create. The information brought forth was primarily by Our Lady of Guadalupe and on December 12th during that annual gathering her picture was full front-page in the Arizona Republic. I remember thinking OK – now people will really get it. Mary has said she will show up in everybody’s living room if that’s what it takes – now we’ll see the shift. Everyone in the room got it for the moment – and then life went on – and still Mary has continued to call out to us, more and more clearly and might I say urgently.
So this week when I see her picture on the cover of Newsweek with the caption What Would Mary Do, I am excited and jazzed. OK here we go – and even though it’s an article about the Catholic Church and the role women can and do play to bring nurturing and truth forward, I know that Mary has a bigger plan – she’s back in everyone’s living room – Alleluia! So that’s worth staying for, isn’t it? Hmm…
I turn to my beloved Mother, the Mother of my heart and soul and I ask her “what should I do Mother – what would you have me do – what is the point of staying – is what I have done really made any difference in the big picture, in the long run?” I feel even in the asking that I am being a spoiled brat, a juvenile wanting reassurance but the honesty of my heart says no – this is not a dark moment of the soul, of wanting reassurance – this is a fundamental question from the depths of my heart and soul. Does my being here make any real difference, have I done what I came here to do – did I fulfill that unknown promise that I felt such urgency to fulfill those 30 years ago when I first died. Is there any point in my particular presence here on Earth – not to my personal friends and family but in the big picture? Mary smiles at me and I can feel the healing and compassion she feels for me and it pours into my being on every level. She wraps me in her arms and she allows me my tears and she says” Linda this is your choice – this is your decision – I cannot make this decision for you – only you can decide if you wish to go on. Do not make the mistake of believing that what lies ahead is simply a mirror of the past, it is not. This past 30 years has not been a mirror of the first 30. Yes there have been threads that have been inter-woven into your tapestry, consistencies, but dearheart, it is a work in progress – you are your creation – yes we are helping but what you choose, even in this in-between state, effects and determines what you will do – either on Earth or here with me.” I cry out my heart to her – that I am tired of not being heard, of being the soft quiet voice, the patient observer, the holder of space – I am tired of not feeling that the messages that I carry are truly heard or incorporated into the mainstream of life. “Mother what the heck is the point here?”
“And since when did I tell you to be or stay quiet child? Years ago I told you it was not time to get a box and stand on the street corner but that was years ago. I have prodded you at every juncture to share not only my messages but all the messages you have received from this Council of Love – from my Council. You are the one who has chosen to do so quietly and unobtrusively – you are the one who has held back – sometimes out of respect and balance and sometimes out of not pushing your own comfort level, fearing rejection and ridicule.”
I know this is true and the frustration I have felt when I have keyed into the memories of Mary Magdalene – when she would offer a gem of a kernel of truth and the listener would say “Yes, but what does your husband say?” The absolute frustration that the messenger and not the message is what is important to so many human beings.
Sometimes you have to take a different tack with Mary – so I ask her “Well then Mother, what would you do – what would you do if you were me – what would your advice be to me now – at this juncture and decision point?” It’s actually kind of stupid to think you can outmaneuver Mother Mary but that doesn’t stop me from trying to get an answer and her insight. She replies” What do you think I would do dearheart? What would I do in your shoes if I was you and you were me – and by the way we are… What would you choose for me to do as woman on Earth? How would you support me? And child, have you thought about why you are being given this opportunity now – why are you being given this choice – this isn’t one of your exit points. Yes, if you wish to leave I will take you softly and gently now – no accidents, no pain, no drama of heart-attack – you may simply drift away with me – is that what you want?” Now there is something very appealing in this offer but she has also got my attention – why now? Why now, after all these years have they taken me back to decision point and are giving me the choice – knowing what lies ahead to stay or go? Why now?
I know in my heart what Mary would do – she would stay – she would see it through to the end – of course it’s her plan – she would support me and love me and show me the way. And she would pray that I would listen – that I would listen even more closely with my heart – that I would use my head and brain to communicate these messages far and wide and I would let go of the petty struggles I tend to get wrapped up in. She would have me choose Joy on a daily minute-to-minute basis and she would encourage and prod me forward so that I didn’t feel like a voice crying in the wilderness. She would show me and demonstrate her faith in me until it oozed out every pour of my body – she would inspire me and protect me and let me know that this journey isn’t futile and it isn’t over. Darn it – that’s what Mary would do – and that’s what I would do for her if our positions were reversed. I would love and cherish her and make sure she didn’t get discouraged and I would make her laugh more and play with the children and the birds. And I would make sure she had time to refill with her family and friends and solitude. I would take care of her and support her in wonderful and mundane ways. And I would make sure above all that and most of all I would make sure she would know how valued she is and how deeply she is cherished – that her efforts do not go un-noticed in heaven even when they appear lost on Earth. I would infuse her with such faith and hope that there would be no question about staying.
And of course that is exactly what Mary has been doing with me – and you – every step of the way, every inch, and every breath. She turns to me again though and says “Yes, I would do all that but even more – I would encourage you to write – to relate and share everything you have learned on this journey, I would ask you to share what I have taught you from tools to faith to magic. I would ask you to stand up, to put your chin in the air and step forward. I would ask you – if you continue to stay, to complete that agreement we made so long ago. Are you ready to do that child as well – are you ready to complete?”
I turn now, as I did ages ago to Nathaniel, to Gabrielle, to My Sweet Mother, and re-commit my heart and soul to my purpose – to that which my heart and soul and personality desires to accomplish here on Earth – right now during this next phase. I turn away from Nathaniel who is now laughing, shrugging and shaking his head, wishing me well.
So here I go – look out world – Mary has a few things to say.
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